twilight, de-fanged

I wish the word twilight hadn't been annexed by the enemy. Enemy of culture, that is. Because it's a good word, and it holds many great song connotations: Twilight by Elliott Smith, Living in Twilight by The Weepies, Civil Twilight by The Weakerthans... also, for some reason every time I say "masochism" people think I'm making a Stephenie Meyer reference, which- clue in!- I'm obviously not, because it was a word before she kidnapped it for her purposes, a word that I used frequently and for good reason.
Anyway, that wasn't supposed to be my point. I get caught up sometimes- sincerest apologies, gentle viewers (Buffy references FTW, btw).

What I am thinking about is the clarity of twilight. As the day is diffused into the sky, maybe it all clarifies in the dimming light. Yesterday, I was consumed in something; I was teetering. Then I reached a place of unexpected relief. It was like a breaking point, but the good kind. A rock avalanche that reveals fresh ground underneath and doesn't kill anyone in the process. New skin. Or like that wonderful empty feeling you get after you throw up and it's like you vomited up your every impulse to sickness. Mine came about in a compulsion to tears that manifested itself when I least expected it. The kind of tears that make it impossible to speak. The kind that get worse the more you try to clumsily apologize for their existence. Anyway, they were happy tears where I expected to find tears of exasperation. Tears of relief instead of fear.
Hope is a strange place if you've been wandering around in a desolate world whose corners hide only bad surprises. But I take comfort wherever I can these days. I take comfort in the distilled wisdom of the day. I take joy in the presence of friends whom I can now appreciate, and the surprising grace of strangers. I delight in the twilight diffusion of a day's closing parenthesis. I treasure the days when I can reach my bed feeling content and not frightened of night, even though sleep takes so long to reach me nevertheless. I dream the twilight till morning, and I carry it with me into the next day, and the next.