I'm also all for the existence of women due to their intrinsic awesomeness. I love the hell out of womankind. I think we deserve all the respect we can get- actually, no, more respect than that.
So, I think it follows that if I'm not feeling respected, it's a sign that there's something grievously wrong with the world.
I don't remember signing up to be some man's mental plaything. I don't remember saying that I'm happy to surrender my life to the whims of a man, whether he be handsome and talented or ugly and psycho. Feel free to remind me if you remember something I don't, friendships. Really.
I never used to, but within the last few months I've become deeply disturbed by the human tendency to feel deserving of attention. Yes, I think I'm pretty great when I'm honest with myself. Yes, I get that we all have intrinsic worth. But we all don't deserve everything that's out there. We all don't deserve everything we want. What I really mean is: your wanting me doesn't grant you the right to deserve me. And your deserving me doesn't make my wanting you a definite eventuality. So where did this idea come from? and I wonder, is this disturbed thinking present somewhere other than in cheap love songs and schizophrenic men's heads? Is it really something that we all feel, a feeling I've repressed so deeply as to forget ever having? Worrisome thought.
I really do think that the search for love is a legitimate search. I just don't think it can ever qualify as love if the search for it was motivated by a sense of entitlement. Romantic love is a gift, and it's not the kind of gift we all die having received. And as much as the language surrounding romantic love can evoke a sense of destiny and determinism, I still believe that free will is at the heart of "true" love. Choosing to love someone or choosing to accept someone's love is a big deal. And in a relationship that's worthy of the name, both partners have to choose from both sides. I think that's a given.
So, Mr. Brownhat, subject of my every nightmare and vomit-inducing thought, please clue in. My will is not negligible. I will never reach a divine realization that will cause me to make a choice that treats you with romantic favour. Your life is not a Clay Aiken song. I would rather die by Chinese water torture than look at your face.
Yeah, that's all.
You're such a charmer.
ReplyDeleteYES... power to the Nans! Let me rant a little here... The beauty of love is truly revealed when both parties completely relinquish entitlement over each other and succuumb to what ultimately makes them happy in a earthly or divine sense, or perhaps both.
ReplyDelete*Insert freshmen Ambrosian woman who falls madly in love with Jesus first semester, only to fall madly in love with some dork in her Introduction to the Bible class second semester* Also insert vommiting emoticon here*
Then I think you have to choose to love someone everyday sans the afforementioned conditions of wanting and deserving eachother. The clincher is that none of this gaurantees happiness. Even, and especially, in marriage. You also have to choose to be happy everyday with the acknowledgement that sometimes it is okay not to be happy. That is how I ended up married to an overly tatooed and bearded truck driver of few words who reads Dean Koontz novels and refuses to eat cooked vegetables. Even the knowledge that you conciously chose to give and accept love from another human holds no gaurantees - I can't see how the rest of my life plays out yet, so I can't tell you if I made the right choice or the wrong choice, but I can tell you that it was my choice and that feels good.
Combine everything I have just written with the fact that I believe providence fits in there somehow and that is my opinion on the situation. Long story short - hooray for free will and peace out smelly von brown hat. Hannah, your greatness is wildly complex.