I decided to pay a visit to my newlywed friends Maddie and Jesse. In my dreamland they were living on the top floor of a house converted into apartments. They got a great deal on the flat because it included no bedrooms or kitchen, only a bathroom with a claw-foot tub and a hallway with hardwood floors. Bargain! They were having a house-warming party, but I had a bad feeling about it. I knew that the old lady who lived in the house with them would go all apeshit if we disturbed her. Luckily, for the first half of the party she was gone to McGill for her class Sexuality & Finance. For the duration of the shindig I had a strange nagging feeling that I was forgetting something, something terrible, something much bigger than a ticked off neighbour. Then I looked out the window and noticed that the sunset was emanating a deeper red tone than usual, and I remembered that our world had been taken over by Kryptonians bent on harnessing the powers of our Yellow Sun, and that we had only a few hours left to appease them with sacrifices before they would turn our Sun permanently from yellow to red, making human life on Earth impossible. This is where it got acidic.
Maddie said that she wanted to show me her back yard. Apparently the big apartment house was home to horses as well as people, because there were stables in the yard. But this scene transformed into a Middle Eastern reserve where Syrian men ordered the women around and smiled innocently like little toddlers. One such man welcomed me to the compound and offered to give me a tour. They had converted the stables into a gigantic bathroom divided into stalls. Each stall housed two devices: one toilet for women and one toilet for men. The women's toilet was just a bathtub full of water and seaweed, while the men's toilet resembled a urinal/massage table/recumbent bike hybrid. He told me that every time a man needed to 'void his indiscreet regions', he had the right to request the company of a woman to do the same simultaneously. If the woman was unable to void in the time given to her, she could be sacrificed to the Red Sun. I realized then that the Syrians were actually Kryptonians. I also discovered that I would not be allowed to leave the compound until I had offered a self-demeaning sacrifice to a Syrian man. ("Those toilet men are freedom haters!")
I will spare you the gory-yet-hilarious details of what transpired next. Suffice it to say that I was glad to discover upon waking that I hadn't pooped the bed, and still possessed the freedom to eat a toasted bagel by the light of the Yellow Sun. Ah, simple pleasures.
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