gutteral

you never could dance but now you don't even sway

I used to sing, now watch me try to hum and laugh

maybe we've lost the things that made us

the things that made us worthwhile

during the lowest moments

there exists a thought of escape from this lifestyle of embarrassment

this living on humiliation's doorstep

this sleeping with the enemy

breathing the air wafting up hot from the sewers

leaving my hazmat suit in a pile on the floor

for an instant I wonder if I was right about it all

but don't look back and never look back

the opposite of how I looked at you during those years of believing

I deserved anything at all

believing in the eventuality of midnight visitations-

you the self-thwarted lover desperate for reconciliation

and me your living benediction

'absolved, absolved' you breathe down to the core of me

but I hold my breath this time

the grey world you inhabited doesn't enfold me anymore

I have other yous and you have other mes

yet we never acknowledge why we keep them quarantined

as personified memories of ecstasy and illumination

hidden revelations voiced to the hidden crowd

fleeting glimpses of possible beauty

we live in landfills for used joy

where hope comes to rot

from a certain elusive angle I can see the icy clear blue world of my imaginings written in the depth and darkness of your eyes

where you remembered me from an uncertain future

and looked back with a smirk of shared understanding

that burned the space between us

(I posited touch as the fireman)

oh but we were young

I would sing songs for you, but, as I said

nevermind

in my voice's stead

I will throw myself at your feet

weak from liquor but bold just the same

flagellate my romantic soul with memories of expectations unfulfilled

you will humour me and feign to share my wounds

I won't look for a blood donor

ooze life into the gutter

and die on the sword of past illusion

mute and fading

with you, motionless, near enough to touch.